Gaslighting

PART 1

• What is Gaslighting- When you have someone that makes you question your reality; makes you feel crazy. It is Deception or manipulation, which is done in a very crafty or unscrupulous way. (Showing no moral principles, not honest or fair)
• A lot of people would say, I would never question my reality, but it happens slowly over time.
• And what is said about us and to us really can impact you with the person you are around the most, which is usually your spouse.
• Our spouse plays a big part in this because you usually care what their perception is of you. Marriage should be your safest relationship.
• People who have a double life also gaslight to prevent others from knowing the truth about them. When other people know the public persona of the aggressor as something other than the victim; so often you see people turn against the victim and side with the aggressor.
• This can creep into your marriage; it can start as a very subtle thing. The bible speaks of that things crept in unaware which causes sin-? (scripture from Alex)(Example: Your spouse makes a statement, you repeat it later, and they know that’s what they said, but they want to make you feel as if you do not know what you are talking about; and then makes the statement, (I WOULD NEVER SAY THAT OR THAT DOESN’T EVEN SOUND LIKE SOMETHING I WOULD SAY OR YOU’VE BEEN VERY FORGETFUL LATELY, DO YOU NEED TO SEE A DOCTOR?) – DECEPTION
• Related issues to gaslighting – Blame shifting – turning everything around. Making everything your fault. Never wanting to take responsibility for their actions. Never apologizing! Always trying to prove that you are crazy, losing it until you begin to believe it, and you will just start accepting whatever they say.
• Related issues to gaslighting – Invalidating/or shutting down everything you say – One spouse is trying to express their feeling, and the other makes the statement that doesn’t validate my fact. We should always build up our spouses, never tear them down- communication is critical.  Yes, we want to confront issues, but you are not always right.
• Wanting your way all the time is gaslighting; manipulating the other to get your way. Using anything that may affect their mental health. We all have done this. We must identify this and stop ourselves to better our marriage. We all can be selfish.
• Related issue – The pity party card – Making the statement that you can never do anything right. I guess I’m the worst husband/or wife ever; I can never do anything right. Then the conversation will turn about them, then you will begin validating them, and the issue you brought up is never discussed. Their statement will focus on them and not what your concern was, and nothing gets solved.
• Gaslighting examples-STATEMENTS-: 1. You never remember anything right, 2. I’m just not understanding what you are getting at, 3. I don’t know what you are talking about; you are just trying to confuse me. Belittling the other person’s feelings- by stating, you’re too sensitive. 4. Always accusing you of making things up.
• There are different ways of deception and they can be in the category of emotional and physical Abuse
• Example: You notice your spouse on their phone more than usual. You say something about it, and they make the statement, I am working on a new project at work: MAN, you don’t trust me. (then gaslighting comes into play, trying to divert the situation from them)
• Warning signs; 1. They Lie often and show no remorse. 2. Never admit their mistakes, 3. Get angry when being questioned/criticized. 4. They are always trying to put you down. Always the one in control/power. 5. You edit every word in your head before speaking, trying to fix your statement so they can’t flip things around. We want to pray that this isn’t creeping into your marriage old or young.
• Steps if you recognize this in your relationship: 1. Pray 2. seek guidance-Pastor(hard to ask for help)
• Can you recover from this, YES? –  again, speak to your spouse, pray, guidance
• A big sign that this is happening you have; High Anxiety 2. Afraid of what will happen next, always on guard when they are around, like tiptoeing around a bomb. 3. They began to Isolate you from friends or family.
• As Christians, sometimes we feel that we are doing the wrong thing by telling on our spouse, but that’s not true. It will be good and helpful for you both. We all deserve respect. Set boundaries and speak the truth in love. Ephesians 4:29

PART 2

Accidental Gaslighting

• What is Gaslighting- You have someone that makes you question your reality; makes you feel crazy. It is Deception or manipulation, which is done in a very crafty or unscrupulous way. (Showing no moral principles, not honest or fair)
• Accidentally, Gaslighting can be learned thru-out generations. Mom dealt with it, so she hands it down. Becomes a way of life
• Can be learned at an early age: I pretend to be sick, so I get to stay out of school and get a lot of attention.
• Clarity to be made – avoiding gaslighting does not mean that you always agree, or you may need clarity concerning a situation. The key is not to use deception or manipulation to get your way.
• Gaslighting is not normal- will cause your marriage to be unhealthy
• Signs of gaslighting:1. Lying all the time to your spouse, 2. Talking bad about your spouse to others, 3. Always blaming your spouse, 4. Covering up or denying your actions. Not validating your spouse’s feelings. 5. Pretending to forget something you have disguised earlier. (White lies) -Lie is a lie
• Lying is how sin originated. There is no little or small lie. Exaggeration is lying- we all are guilty of this. (We know someone that lies so much that they think that people believe them, but everyone takes almost everything they say as a lie)
• We need to ask each other; do you feel that I gaslight you? -Discussion time for each couple
• Maybe do a study together on gaslighting.
• If we find out that we are doing this, the first step is to honestly say I’m sorry and start changing your ways with help.
• Pray this daily Psalms 139:23-24. Search me, O God…….
• Have an accountability partner- have a friend that you can confide in….
• Not listening well to our spouse is accidental gaslighting- this will invalidate your spouse. When it comes to how they feel concerning a situation.
• We strive for goals concerning ourselves, you should strive/work on the goal of having a better marriage.